Changing your prose from ‘Telling’ to ‘Showing’ is easy if you know how. Two common ways are to:
- Introduce some emotion. It engages the reader and makes them root for the main character.
- Remove solid chunks of description that clog up the story. Rather make them part of the action, and they will move the story forward
An Example of ‘Telling.’
1. It was the big night. Tia was going to play with the band in front of Andrew Brook, the famous record producer. It was her chance to make an impression, and hopefully to give him the tape she’d made. It was her dream to be a recording star.
2. Tia took a deep breath and walked into the reception hall. It was huge. A buffet table stood in the center and waiters were running around everywhere, carrying plates and dessert bowls and cutlery and trays of glasses and platters of food. The grand piano stood in one corner, next to the bar.
3. A woman hurried over. She was six foot tall with smooth white skin, jet black hair tied back in a bun, a good figure, a severe black dress and patent leather black shoes. She stopped just in front of Tia’s face. She was totally intimidating.
The Passage Reworked as ‘Showing’.
2. Tia took a deep breath and walked into the reception hall. Her heart sank as she took in the long buffet table stretching down the center of the huge room. She could see the piano squashed away in the darkest corner, next to the bar. How was anyone going to hear her playing? Especially Mr Brook, the owner of Tiffo Records. She’d only taken the gig because she’d heard he’d be here. She’d have to get the piano moved. She tried to get the attention of one of two of the waiters, but they were scurrying about, balancing crockery and platters of food on over-sized silver trays. They ignored her.
3. A woman in a smart black dress hurried over, her black patent leather shoes tapping on the parquet floor. She stopped just in front of Tia’s face, forcing her to take a step back.
How Exactly was the Reworking Done?
In the ‘Telling’ example, paragraph 1 was all description, with little to engage the reader’s emotions or interest. Paragraph 2 continued with almost pure description – the writer ‘telling’ the reader what was going on.
To make it more interesting, the whole of paragraph 1 was removed in the ‘Showing’ example, so that the story could start at a high point. The information about Tia’s dreams was worked in among the description of the room, which in turn was made to reflect her anxiety about the placement of the piano. A mood of nervousness has been developed which pulls the reader in, and gets them rooting for Tia, who is clearly going to have a hard time impressing Mr Brook.
In paragraph 3 of the ‘Telling’ example the woman is described in great detail, clogging up the flow of the story, and leaving little for the reader to imagine. The reader is told ‘She was totally intimidating.’
In the ‘Showing’ example the details are reduced to two, and woven into the action, so they don’t block the flow. Instead of telling the reader she is intimidating, it is shown by the fact that she comes up close to Tia’s face, and forces her to take a step back.
Article Two in this series, More Ways to 'Show Don't Tell' teaches how to use dialogue to show action and description.
You can read more about writing craft in Writing Simply but Effectively
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